Reading is for the mind and the soul

but it also helps you in filling your boredom. i am currently reading an intriguing book by nora roberts. A book titled Key of light. it is one of her bestseller. i am thinking of going to borders again this friday or wednesday to get a book ive been dying to read, "love in time of cholera" its a literature classic but i have never gotten around to reading it. one good thing i think i love being unemployed or partly employed is the opportunity to read. Catch up with myself. giving me space to think about everything that i had been neglecting during my pursuit of academic excellence and a very fascinating social life. 

I was thinking about the story Sodom and Gamorrah. The ones with Nabi Lut a.s if i am not wrong was involved. You know the story where man preferred man and not woman to have a sexual relationship with. But then again the story is about lust and rape. Not love. I was reading the Quran interpretation about this story and could not come to a conclusive ending about what they perceived about it. Honestly, some parts of me struggle have been struggling big time about it. THere was never an outlet to express the desires and the conflicts that had been possessing me for years.  However now, I want to be able to live. Honestly. Because living a lie is a sin too. So can you see my conflict?

I know i might lose friends if they read this post or even maybe want to stone me to death like the supposed punishment for homosexual conduct, but I have prayed to God to let me feel normal, I read the Quran to control my emotions and elevate my desires but it has been futile. indeed supression had been my means for a long time. Suppression. Depression. 

God, I know you hear me. Please tell me the way from here. I honestly cannot live a lie. Not anymore. I want to be close to you. 

If i die....if i die...maybe this will end.