Sometimes i feel like i want to shut down but i know i cant

it hurts alot at times dealing with this. Trying to imagine how my life is going to radically change if and when i decide its time.

imagine the pain...let me try to describe. Hmmm...try imagine running up an extremely steep hill which is about 50 metres long, your legs are going really fast, your heart pumping blood througout your body like it was going to explode and just die out at any moment. You run not thinking then suddenly you feel like your lungs is starting to collapse. the intense feeling like suddenly your heart which had been thunderously pumping decided to freeze, your lungs contract, you can feel your stomach churn. Your chest hurts and you feel like you are trapped. you can't breath and you can feeel this huge pain on your body like someone just kick you in the gut. 

That is how i am feeling right at the moment, maybe even more. and i dont have an outlet to channel my anger too. at least not at the moment.

I must clear my mind. I must relax my body. this is the only way