The Reincarnation

The sudden comeback

2010-03-24T08:53:00.000-07:00

i realised that i am not able to live without penning my thoughts down.

its been almost six months since i started working. Sometimes i wonder how long it will take someone like me to succeed in the business i am in. I really want to be better and be much more driven but sometimes it gets really tough. I know im whining and its really something i shouldn't do. Its a learning curve and i really need to learn faster be more driven everyday to become better. Business is a hard deal. Getting to the right people and getting someone into the business and retaining them is even harder.

I really should stop whining. Tomorrow is a new day.

Oh yeah, i have a girlfriend now. I love her alot but sometimes this double life thing takes a lot of toll. Wish it was simpler. Really wish it was simpler to have her in my life and also tell my mum about it. of course at this moment it is impossible

what has happened?

2009-09-23T09:18:00.000-07:00

its been a while since i blogged eh? A lot of things has transpired since then. As you may or may not know, I have a job now. Nope not some Engineering Job, more like a Marketing Exec job. How did I land here?

Oh well first, I went to the Jobs Fair and somehow started talking to this woman, and then she took my details and contact and asked me to come for an interview. Seriously, there were so many of them interviewing with me. Maybe a 100, out of that 20 of us got called back for an induction, then it dropped to 7 and last it dropped down to 4. Want to know why? Because, this is a performance based job. The only reason i took up this job is because of its uncapped salary and the quick promotion through its ranking system. I wont say the job is easy but i wont say its hard either. I am still learning but at the same time, I am seeing my rewards though not much but i can feel the satisfaction of this job. Oh man. There are days where i wished i can give up but due to the dedication and the perseverance of my mentor and manager, i can feel that i am getting better. The undying support of my mother provides the best strength within me.

I hope ill make Deputy Manager soon. Then i can have my own company and people to run the company with. 1.5 years!

2009-08-25T21:28:00.000-07:00

i haven't blogged for a long time.

went for an interview today. another one tomorrow. Both are not related to engineering @ all.

I wonder when Tomago will get back to me. They should tell me even if i dont get it right? @ least.

I wonder what is there at ION orchard. I want to take a look.

it is the Fasting month. feel more religious than usual.

but Im still gay though. that has never changed.

Scratchy throat

2009-08-15T08:22:00.000-07:00

and running nose. I don't feel at all well.

Started back my marathon training. I look forward to the day where I can finally reach that 5km mark in one running. Lol. I am up to 3km. Just 2 more laps and 5km is in my grasp.

My friend asked me about whether or not i want a relationship. I said to her,"I want a relationship but the thing is, the person that I want to be with needs to be in the same platform or at least the same level as I am and probably have some similarities to me. If not it will never work, no matter how hard I like that person"

Quite matured huh? i reckoned.

I wonder what life has in store for me. hehehe

Family

2009-08-14T23:50:00.001-07:00

it is kind if weird how family members become strangers and stranger become our family. I value my strange family more than my blood related families. Weird isn't it?

Anyone feel the same.?

Ghosted

2009-08-12T21:47:00.000-07:00

I went out last night with Ira to watch a movie called Ghosted. I must say it was weird to be in a room full of lesbians at first. Thank god Ira was beside me so it made it less uncomfortable. The movie was about getting closure of the love that you lost. Some part of the movie was easy to follow while some was plain confusing. But overall, I felt a tinge of jealousy when the characters met for the first time. Do you want to know why? Because, I want to be able to meet someone that I can fall for instantly when I meet her.

Finally watched the news today. My fears have been confirmed. Noordin Top is still alive somewhere in Indonesia and probably planning future bombings there and only God knows where else. This are the type of people that give religion a bad name. Why do they attack innocent people out at hotels? If they want people to respect our religion, they must learn tolerance and work towards peace. Don't let the rest of us suffer due to your actions.

worry

2009-08-10T23:50:00.000-07:00

I didnt go for my gym workout today @ khatib. I think my waist will probably ballooned up to a size 16 if i keep this up. Urgh! @ least I can take care of my mum.

It has been a long week.

I was looking through facebook and I saw on my friend's list, this girl which I had a massive crush on while I was working pre-uni days. I had forgotten how much I had actually liked her till I saw her picture again. Super cute-nerdy girl. My heart beats fast just actually seeing her picture. I hope one day when I have the time i will be able to go back to the place where I used to work and catch a glimpse of her there.

The weather today is sort of depressing. i just wished it started raining already.

five more post and it will be 200 post for me

2009-08-10T04:27:00.000-07:00

finally back home. no more sleeping on sofa. cant believe i slept in the hospital for 4 nights and with that aircon blasting onto my face, i felt more lethargic than before.

i want to change my life a bit.

indignation art exhibit was fun. made me think abit about some of the potraits of people that were either trangendered, lesbian or gay. And i realised they all look preety normal to me. Some ladyboys were quite pleasant looking.

Anyway besides the point, I am hoping to watch a movie called Ghosted at the arts house this week. Ii hope ira can make it.

my back is aching

2009-08-06T08:47:00.000-07:00

maybe due to te lifting and the hard sofa. oh well at least today i can sleep in my own bed. so tired.

i havent watched anything by sheetal for a long time now. but i will give it a miss today since im about to crash.

laterz

not in the best of moods

2009-08-02T22:17:00.000-07:00

today...now that i have mentioned it i want to go chill a bit.

I hate singapore work ethics at times. no matter how efficient. its deeply cut-throat. the suck-ups and butt ass kissers go on ahead. the hardworking honest ones at times get left behind. After saying that i just want to say what has religion, race and gender got to do with job application. ive met an interviewer before who was sexist and racist. I told him off and walk off from the interview room. Bloody mother....you fill out the rest.

I have no idea why this memory suddenly came into my mind.

Have been having dreams that seem much more real than before. Am i becoming psychic? Whatever.

Got a busy week ahead of me. I have to fetch my grandma today from the hospital and tomorrow i have to take my mum to another hospital for her OP. haiz. im worried. i hope he is going to be fine.

Later!

sleep deprived

2009-08-02T08:07:00.000-07:00

so what happens when u climb via ferrata- sleep deprived. The answer is, a slip from a rough surface and a bruised leg. Lol. It was the first time that i climbed via ferrata without jeans on. I guess wearing jeans has its pros and cons. At least with them on i wont be proned to bruises. the boss was really nice, letting myself and my friends do the rock wall too. Oh well, they weren't busy. That is why. And I realised that my instructor was my ex NpCC Nco from WDL. I told ira she looked damn familiar, but just didnt have the guts to ask till like halfway up the wall. Lol.

ok, indignation is up. I want to go for the gathering this weekend at botanic gardens but it means i have to wear pink...which i totally dont have and doesnt go with my skin colour. Lol. and not to mention that my mum will just be out of the hospital and will need Care. hmm.. how ehz?

Tomorrow my grandma is coming back from the hospital. did i tell u she was hospitalized after she collapsed right in the middle of Geylang!! Geylang..where there were so many freaking people, had to call the ambulance after she lost consciousnes and after everything died down.....my first instinct was to call Rekha? Reks, if you ever read this blog, I thank you for your excellent patience and understanding with this ridiculous friend of yours. Love you loads woman. you are one of the true friends that Ive came across, and although we have fought like crazy before, I still think you are freaking awesome and one of those rare gems of friends that I had found..besides all my other close knit of friends. Ok....corny...i know. I am laughing my ass off too.

Ouh..I am so tired right now. i think i better head to bed soon. And i should really let my mum head to bed too. I know she is worried about her OP. it is preety major Op and could be complications. But i dont want to worry. Seriously i thank god that i dont have a job now. not that i dont want to. However i am glad that at least i am free to take care of my mum. to be dragged around at a moments wimp and of course become their part time chaffeur and PA. Go Durrah!!!

Wo ai ni

ok so ive been gone for a while

2009-07-31T05:34:00.000-07:00

not that i intended to but I guess this past few days have been a bit hectic for me. In between, going to hospital, preparation for next week, picking up my bro from airport and helping sort out documents of different policy and investments, well i am left with limited time between myself and I.

Anyway, I went to carousel earlier this week for High Tea and the cutest waitress was smiling at me. I swear i am not making that up. She looked mixed of white and asian and of course extremely gorgeous.

I had a dream that I told my mum and my aunt that I was gay. i literally freak out about that. it felt so freaking real. Really real!

Im quite shocked at a passing of an ex schoolmate of mine. Makes u think that life is so unpredictable. So short. Innalillah.

My favourite director yasmin ahmad died last week. my favourite director is no more. im so sad...extremely sad

pack pack pack

2009-07-18T21:33:00.000-07:00

my brain is thinking what it needs to pack. After years of travelling here and there, i have come down to a very simple formula to make packing easy.

1) Things that i need to cross the border

2) Things i need to keep myself clean

3) Things I need to contact my home

4)Things I need to show up in

Easy aint it??

My bro is packing too. He has more stuff to pack compared to me. Of course his trip is longer and he doesnt have friends down there (except for his 80+ other bandmates) to ask for a shirt or toothpaste if he were to forget it. *note the tinge of sarcasm*

The only thing I am left to pack is my laptop..which always never get packed till the last crucial moment.

This will be my last blog possibly for the next few days. If I decided my life is boring enough in this coming week or so then and only then I shall blog.

you know that feeling when you get just before

2009-07-18T11:23:00.000-07:00

you do something extremely stuppid/brave? Butterflies in your stomach, thumping of the heart and the deafening of your surroundings. Before you know it, your heart suddenly takes over that feeling of self consciousness and end up directing your fingers to do something totally out of character.

For me this realisation came in the train. A simple crowded train filled with souls, empty or contented, to make me realise that after a long while that I am truly blissfully happy. And not long after that, my heart has taken over my hand and directed technology to make its most confusing message anyone could have conjured.

I am about 75% sure that I am falling for you....Who says that?? Why 75%? Why not 100% or 50% or 0%..why 75%. The reason is simple. Because i do not want to be hurt, nor do i know what is in the future. Cowardice takes over me during the time when i needed bravery the most. But nonetheless my intentions were true.

She makes me smile each time i receive her text, or message online or whenever i see her. Not just because she is a natural smiley face, but the seemingly endless supply of topics to speak to her feels like divine intervention or maybe it is just me being biased towards a cute face.

Nonetheless, the stupid heart feels no regret towards what had just transpired. Life is too short for it to be taken for granted. Live and let live that is what the idiom says.

Good morning

end of privacy

2009-07-16T09:33:00.000-07:00

today will mark a new day in my life. My mum has decided to hire a stay in maid for my grandma who will be living here with me...or at least in my room. And I....well...after returning from Newcastle i will be thinking off moving out to my aunt's place.

I was wondering what to do with my life.

alicia keys is da bomb

2009-07-14T08:35:00.000-07:00

enough said. I am crushing on her all over again. Alicia Keys!! got to get the movie the secret life of bees.

possibly the longest crush ive had on any artist. drooling....

My o my o my o

My boo

another week has passed

2009-07-12T08:02:00.000-07:00

and today marks a different end to the week. met a new friend. Strangely i feel comfortable with her. walked aimlessly around MSQ only to end up eating at Swensen's and watching a movie called "sunshine cleaning" acted by Amy Adams and Emily Blunt. Emily Blunt is totally hot in a kind of dark and depressing way. Ok maybe i am a bit biased since she was involved in a bit of a lesbian action. Amy adam's acting felt real about someone who doubts her own abilities.

The best part of the day was, being able to talk freely and openly about who I really was. I miss doing that since the people i do that with is currently back in Newcastle.

Talking about newie, i am returning there next week for a short trip/meeting. Hopefully this time round i wont screw things up. Im psyched to meet my friends and my cute little baby boy Logan. I miss that furball.

Till then. Ciao

i blog a lot

2009-07-07T09:46:00.001-07:00

and i know it. but just please, this is the only place where i feel relax discussing my own thoughts and feelings. It doesn't matter who reads or who doesn't.

First, I am stuck listening to Andrea Bocelli. After listening to his amore under the desert skies concert in LA last night, I am stucked to his songs. My favourite being Somos Novios, literally translated as WE are a couple. I shall call it "We are lovers". When listening to the song yesterday, under dimmed lighting and chilly weather, I suddenly wished I had someone in my arms. Hence my thoughts went to Sheetal Sheth. HEhehe.

Going to watch MJ's funeral. It is a bit sad that he is getting a Christian Burial when he had converted to Islam. ALfatihah to him. InsyaAllah he will be just fine

another roller coaster loop

2009-07-06T23:31:00.000-07:00

i should really keep my mouth shut next time. Why did I have to open my big fat mouth and say it out loud that I feel settled in Singapore. Now, I am through the second round of interviews with Tomago Aluminium. Shit!

I feel happy to know that I made it to the 2nd round, but then unhappy because it is not a confirm thing yet. I have another face to face interview to go through, group assesment and not to mention i have to fly to Newcastle on the 23rd. Crapz.

Entahlah aku pun tak tahu nak fikir macamana dah. Kepala ni sedikit buntu.

Repeal 377A

2009-07-06T07:10:00.001-07:00

fly with me

2009-07-05T21:16:00.000-07:00

if its you for me forever

if its you and me right now

i'd be alright, be alright

ok so i am stuck with songs by the Jonas Brothers. What to do. they are nice.

Read Today's paper. Singapore government will not legalize homosexual acts but will let the courts decide what is proper. Like seriously???

back to job hunting

Been sitting

2009-07-03T23:25:00.001-07:00

for about three hours and typing resumes and cover letters over and over again! what a freaking nightmare! urgh!

my butt imprint is on the sofa. that is bad.

Rasmus's tyred were punctured as i was riding it. And i was about 5 km away from home. Imagine my anger. Hoping to get it fixed on monday.

Via ferrata again tomorrow! Arms still aching from yesterday. but whatever

via verrata

2009-07-03T08:27:00.001-07:00

i climbed the via verrata wall today and ended up with bruises on my arms, shaking legs but toned upper body. overall fantastic but nervewrecking experience. Who says that you can't rock climb in jeans?

I want to do it again!

Apart from that, the instructor was preety cute. Have a slight crush on her. oh man! why do I always fall for the cute ones?? why?

2009-07-02T05:27:00.000-07:00

india court decriminalized consensual gay sex

Wow! how about Singapore? anything soon?

i've been having nightmares of getting beaten up in the case that I slipped up infront of my family. I wake up with palpatations. this is the only place where i seem to be able to confess what I truly feel without the feeling of people judging me, without the feeling of being presecuted and just to feel a sense of normalcy. I honestly didn't ask to be born this way, but here I am. I am Gay. So deal with it!

Watched this webseries called "Anyone but me". Its really sweet. I can't wait for season 2 to start.

2009-06-29T08:17:00.000-07:00

sejenak ku teringat

akan memori kita

melayari saat saat indah

tika bersama

that was seriously lame. basically what malay songs are like most of the time. i havent heard a good malay song for some time. I still love the oldies, keroncong. For example

tuai padi antara nampak

esok jangan layu layuan

intai kami antara nampak

esok jangan rindu rinduan

Anyway, finally fixed my bike, rasmus. its good to go!! i want to cycle to Yishun one day!

The AYG has started. im trying to get the timings to the games. Especially bowling and beach volleyball. cute atheletes!! here i come..

shut up!

2009-06-28T20:34:00.000-07:00

feeling a bit depressed right now. Just so you know. Feel like punching something to pieces.

Anyways, watched this documentary called Paradise Lost, Jonestown. Its about this cult that formed in the 70s by this man called Jim Jones. It was scary as hell as at the end when 900+ people committed suicide or were either murdered. Their bodies lay all over the place of their cult area in guyana. Watching the documentary made me have nightmares.

confidence is a state of mind

2009-06-24T23:45:00.000-07:00

and i lack it.

my whole body is aching

2009-06-23T07:16:00.000-07:00

thanks to the random jumping up and down. I have great imagination and it normally brings me misery with all these ailments that I get when my imagination gets too wild for its own good.

Amita transitted in Singapore yesterday. Got my prized plaque (thanks asila, kavi and ika for that). Brought her around Orchard and the Esplanade/Suntec area. Nothing much can be said about the trip around "Singapore" but it was fun while it lasted. Took her to the airport around 9pm and by then I was dead beat and was hoping to reach home in one piece.

Stupid taxi driver made my drive home a living hell. I shoot your bloody ass.

Ouh, mum brought me to Royal on Scotts "Carousel" for High Tea. There was so much food. I had five different plates of Steamed buns, kebabs, nasi lemak, chocolate coated fruits (fondue), cakes and cups and cups of tea. After sitting there for an hour and looking around my surroundings (There were really some hot looking girls around) but being a good daughter, I only did my eye washing when my mum went on to get her food. Maybe next time I'll bring my friends and my family down there again.

Upside--Talking about food, I have to get my ass down to Stamford Hotel this weekend for another round of buffet eating. Oh God!!

Downside--Have to make sure I work my butt of this coming weeks.

Currently hooked to Linkin Park "Great Divide" awesome track.

AM so sad. Sheetal is in San Francisco for the screening of ICTS at the Castro. Why why why :(

Singapore sucks....

went to clarke quay

2009-06-20T09:38:00.000-07:00

today to see what the fuss is all about. Somehow stumbled upon an open air salsa dance party and i taught ira how to salsa. The basic steps of course. I'm not that clever. I saw this really hot lady in a black dress, salsaing her heart out. Really preety, great curves, long black wavy hair...oh well you know, the package of a hot latin dancer. I didn't realise that AhBeng also can dance salsa. Interesting.

Ok, Sheetal Sheth is going to play a role in the new indie feature called three veils. I wonder if she is going to be starring as the muslim lesbian character in that movie. I can't wait. Oh well, whichever character she is playing, I am sure she is going to be excellent in it.

Better sleep now. too tired to think

ok so i must also go to

2009-06-19T09:13:00.000-07:00

the Czech Republic. I saw xXx for the first time today and thought that Czech Republic had really nice place to visit. Not to mention the ski slopes.

Oh well anyways, I went into town today for dinner/ catching up with ira. Almost got lost in the city. I had forgotten the roads around the city and the traffic jam didn't make life for me easier. In the end I was late for about 20 mins. Sorry babes. didnt mean for it to happen.

Hmm...when i went to Borders bookstore at Wheelock, I was really dissapointed that tey didnt carry Shamim Sarif's novels. Not even one. Urgh. I miss the Borders in Kotara. Anyway, I came to a conclusion that true love is always tragic. Just look at romeo and juliet, cleopatra and anthony, laila and majnun. there is always something tragic happening to them. And so on.

Got to go.

here are some of the list of things i need to do

2009-06-17T23:21:00.000-07:00

1) get a job

2)Learn mandarin

3) Improve my French (tres dificil)

4) travel around the world

5) Find my own version Sheetal Sheth. Any takers? Lol

i have to rewatch ICTS to douse my obsession with the character Sheetal played, Leyla. HOTNESS!! I really am routing for ICTS the series.

that is it for now. back to real life.

Having a bit of a headache right now, with chances of puking and sleeping now till tomorrow.

Leyla : I'm gay!

Dad: But i've been gone 2 hours.

Rachel and I laughed like nuts at that part. Love it! OK back to watching ICTS. I want the book soon. The book!!

Dont mind my randomness tonight cause

2009-06-17T10:05:00.000-07:00

i suddenly miss Logan miss his furry body, his "innocent" looking face when he wants food, he snuggling beside me when he wants to sleep and his meowing when he wants to be let out. I miss that little devil so much. He is the only male character that I actually let sleep on my bed, although he does get kicked out in the mornings.

I miss his furry ass lah and all the things he does to annoy us when we do not give him any attention. Now who am I to tell my secrets and problems too.

Logan asleep with my stuffed tiger

Logan is bored trying to study my notes on the laptop

It has been a preety tiring week

2009-06-17T07:04:00.000-07:00

for me to say the least. I've been hanging out at the hospital since my mum was admitted on the wee hours of monday morning. What I mean as wee is three in the morning. 3AM! I was so sleepy that I crashed at the makeshift bed of the hospital. Luckily, my mum got a room in the A1 class, so it was only her in the room with her own set of toilet and cupboard. Mini hotel room. She had chest pain with palpatations and that was why she was admitted to the ward. Even @ 3am, she had visitors coming in, besides the nurses, there were her ward staffs, her colleagues in blue and yeah some other people that I couldn't be bothered to stay up for. Seeing my mum like that made her realised that she had made the right decision to be back home in Singapore. She was finally glad.

Anyway, did I tell you about my trip to Sentosa on saturday? It was relatively mediocre except for one particular event.

Durrah was walking the aisle along Vivo City, ira and dan walking beside her. She was minding her own business while listening to the chatter of her friends when she noticed a figure standing just a few meters away. At first glance she thought she was dreaming, she continued looking at the figure that was just ahead of her. The figure had fair skin, curly hair and a curvacious body. For a moment she thought that she was dreaming. The figure resembled Lisa Ray. Her heart pulsated faster when the figure she had been staring at looked up. Instantly their eyes met as Durrah saw the figure approaching her with a smile on her face. Then almost instantly the figure pointed down towards her jeans

"Oh my GOD!! my zipper is open," durrah thought loudly to herself as the woman that she had been looking at had come to a stop and now standing just beside her. Without a word, the woman brought Durrah's hand into hers. Durrah's eyes widened in disbelief and terror as she tried to comprehend what just happened. Her mind went blank, her mouth slightly opened as she thought of what was happening.

"Hi, is this your real fingernails? You see, we have this product which will make your fingernails shine without the use of alcohol," the woman said while her soft hands started polishing one of her fingernails with a rectangular block. Within seconds, Durrah's nails were polished, however Durrah's mind was still digesting what happened.

"Durrah, lets go," Ira finally said, pulling her other hand.

Ok that was it. I've never been so dumbfounded that I couldn't find words to say. Well whatever, I got over it quickly and went straight to oogling my surroundings in Sentosa. It was after all a good day.

Ouh, I found a Sheetal Sheth fan. Yay!! Sheetal is definitely hot even though she went a bit butch in the World Unseen. Nonetheless I love her.

Got to go. Job hunting season is beginning tomorrow, in between marathon training season. I must start completing what I set out to accomplish.

Kristin Stewart looks totally awesome as Joanne Jet. Anyway just saying

if you want to have win

2009-06-12T07:30:00.000-07:00

run a 100 m race, if you want an experience, run a marathon....i don't remember which marathon runner said it. maybe some olympian.

So i ran about 5km today, just to see my time. I took like 30 mins just to complete it. That is relatively slow I must say, but then again, I just start training. Maybe tomorrow I should try to run more than 5km and see how my time is. When I am used with the distance, I can ramp up my speed.

Ok so i was reading afterellen.com and I realised that there is like a whole lot lesbians/bisexual here in Singapore. But the weird thing is that, noone seems to be out to their parents, only to their friends. Hmm, I guess social opression makes people live secret lifes. I know I have been in the closet for a decade but I guess no more of it. I hope when I settle things around me, I will finally come out to my mum. Of course, I will be astrocised and possibly be beaten to death, but for once, I am honest to myself and the people around me.

I saw this pair of chinese ladies, wearing high heels, power suits/skirts and they were walking hand in hand together in causeway point. Fuiyoo! I almost fell just seeing them. They look quite comfortable. When will I be able to do that?

Nevermind about that, I was watching MIO Tv today like I always do. Managed to watch reruns of Charlie's Angels and for the first time watched Underworld, Rise of the Lycans. Never been an Underworld fan unlike my bro and Ira but heck, I watched it anyway. What I can take from the movie was that it was the beginning of the werewolf era and that the lead vampire girl, sonja, is so darn hot.

Ok whatever. I was typing my resume and cover letter while watching that movie, so I wasn;t really concentrating. Lol. Nevermind maybe some other time.

running my first marathon

2009-06-11T06:35:00.000-07:00

Ok, so here it is, I am going to complete my first marathon, or maybe just half of it. The standar chartered marathon. the halp being 21.1km. That is like 6 months away but I have to start practising right now isn't it?

How am I going to do it? Honestly, I have no idea. lol. So I am starting to do my research on how to run my first marathon. Like how to train, what to eat, how to keep myself alive in that run and after. Ok that alive part is a joke. I suddenly got this idea when I was watching the series "How I met your mother" when Marshall suddenly decided that he will run the New York City marathon. Then i thought, that is a good idea. I've been running for some time now and have lost interest in it abit. Maybe a marathon is what I need to rejuvenate my love for running.

Ok so, I think what I should do tomorrow is to start training for my marathon. Start by running 5km, then slowly u to 21km non stop. Can i do it? I really hope I can.

6months!! 6months!!

listening to ghanwa bossanova by natacha atlas

2009-06-08T08:03:00.000-07:00

the song starts off with just the sounds of guitar before it is being joined by the double bass. Argh, the song is so sexy, makes you want to slow dance with your partner, holding her body close to you, twirling her on the dance floor, agressively but passively gyrate to the music. You know, just like an ecstacy of some sort. The double bass in the song makes the song so much sexier. But yet, I haven't found a partner to slow dance with. Well except salsa.

This is a happy day for me. I finally found the book by Shamim Sarif, THE WORLD UNSEEN. Argh, now thoughts of Sheetal Sheth is overflowing again. Nevermind what i just typed. Anyway I was too excited about getting the book that I have actually started reading it, even though I am only halfway through Fingersmith. hehehe. I realised that there was a part of the book that was quoted on the movie, I can't think straight. It was said by Sheetal's character, Leyla. Here it is

"The sun hit her hand with a red hot force that burned straight through the clear veined skin of her wrist, and when she shut her eyes tightly and briefly against it, the heat still glowed under her eyelids like coals." written by Shamim Sarif.

I want to watch more indie feature films. Why Singapore has so much censorship, I really don't know. Doesn't the government know that the things they censored will be found out through the internet? Nevermind. I've said too much. I love my country. Hopefully it will be as tolerant. By the way, I'm neither femme nor butch. Just to clear things up. LOL

Let's jump into the cold water

2009-06-07T07:24:00.000-07:00

of the waterfall stream and soak our bodies that had suffered in the sweltering heat and humidity.

She could not fall into slumber though she tried her hardest. She lay awake in the semi darkened living room which were cleared of all furnitures, slowly examined the people that seemed deep in their sleep. Her mum laid just next to her as trickling beads of sweat slowly forged on her forehead, but nonetheless she was deep in slumber. It was one of the hottest night she had experienced after quite some time being away from the tropical country that she grew up in. Her shirt was soaked through her skin as she thought about the events that had occured throughout the day, her cousin's engagement, meeting her family members that she had not seen for a period of time.

She had not thought much about the engagement but the chatter that had come with it. She heard her aunts and uncles talking about the "future" of their kids and that included her. She felt her neatly compartmentalised fears slowly resurfacing at that moment as she tried despite her best efforts to integrate with her family, slowly retreating from the conversations. She was tired of the "conditioned" mindset that had been imposed on her since the day she was born. Her throat burned while her heart seems to have shrunken making it harder for her to breathe.

She decided to try to calm herself down. It has been a weird day after all being around that many people after months of solitude. She lay herself down again, her wet body on the carpeted marble floor. She had other things on her mind besides the small chatter of her family members. She said a silent prayer, asking God to illuminate her path and to make it easier for her. Her mind then slowly drifted to a place where she had felt extremely peaceful. Before she knew it, she was dreaming of the place she had softly desireed to be back in.

Oh well, whatever. Tomorrow marks the 3rd week me being back. I better get some more work done. Must really gear up.

my house keeps shortcircuiting

2009-06-05T07:01:00.001-07:00

that up till 3 am, I couldn't read Fingersmith properly. Damn it. I was so into the groove of reading that victorian themed book. Even though I already know what the hell the story is about but reading gives you a different perspective as to why certain characters act the way they do.

Despite the falling snow by Shamim Sarif was fantastic. I took 2 days to complete it. I love her works. WEee..I really hope that they make I can't think straight the series. It would be awesome to have some representation in that area. LOL.

Going for cousin's engagement tomorrow. Damn it, I hate this social engagements. What to do lah, part of my culture and heritage

another moment

2009-05-31T21:59:00.000-07:00

Quizzes Girls Games

i am looking for a job...like again!! really

2009-05-31T21:52:00.000-07:00

yeah of course im back to hunting again. I am so terribly bored of this game of seek and hunt.

I have been stuck at home for the last couple of days going through straits times and online jobs database for a job opportunity. Wish that someone else could do it for me. LOL

Life has been preety sucky lately. Feel sort of entrapped by alot of things. Leave me kind of suffocating. Wonder when this friend of mine will call

spashley

2009-05-31T21:51:00.001-07:00

Quizzes Girls Games

did i tell you that i got a new smart phone?

2009-05-26T07:28:00.000-07:00

cause i wasnt sure if i did or not. anyway, i am currently twiddling around with the phone fucntions such as mms, wifi, camera functions, mp3 functions. but i think what is most impressive about the E63 phone for me is the keypads. no more texting on normal keypads. its full on computer keypads for me. this will make texting way easier for me. lol. the wide screen makes you-tubing so much easier. i am trying to transfer a movie into the phone and playing it on my real player.

anyways, I went for a run today. i came back sweating and perspiring like ive just had a massive shower. seriously, i have forgotten about the humidity level here.

when i went out tonight for the jog, i look around the area. this used to be my playground. Where i will spend 1-2 hours each day just running or cycling like I am part of this world. However, today i didnt feel as if I coexisted in that time frame. my mind felt like i need to come back to reality. things are pretty hard to understand now but I am hoping to get there.

better check out some work and also the australian PR thing.

i am so sleepy

2009-05-25T04:49:00.000-07:00

cause i have been eating non stop. cut down some of the food today by only having fried macaroni. for dinner i made sweet pumpkin soup. ika taught me how to do it. even put sago in it. lol.

i am thinking of making cream of cauliflower tomorrow for starters, followed by grilled salmon/chicken breast which will be slightly seasoned ( still thinking of the seasoning) and served with pureed brocolli. hehehe

i am sleepy cause i am still trying to readjust to the warmness in Singapore.

readjusting to normal home life is weird.

going to stay with my aunt while my grandma stays here.

switcherooo!

so i went to the gym

2009-05-20T06:24:00.000-07:00

today from like 2.30 pm to about 5.30pm. 3 solid hours of working out, or actually more like 3 hours of solid cardio, 30 minutes of shaping and toning.

Right now i totally feel like ive just been pummelled by something. at least after that 3 hr session, i can eat a lot. hahaha. been snacking on carrots, olives and tim tams. had fried rice for dinner and lunch. i must say, with the lack of food in my kitchen, i am definitely resourcing well with what i have. well its not the most well balanced meal ive had, but it beats not having anything to eat.

I want to go to gym for another 3 or 4 hr session tomorrow. hehehe. im addicted to the body bike. its really smooth. i wonder how much one bike like that will cost. oh hell, i should start biking back in Singapore again, although honestly there are no place to bike there. lame. very lame.

Was watching the series fingersmith on youtube. only manage to watch it till the part where maud gets married to Gentleman. really nice story so far. but i better not stream any more movies online right now. i should just place my laptop in my bag and forget about it till i return home to Singapore on saturday.

oh hell....i am scared of returning home. i am not sure suddenly if i am running again from my problems or I am doing the right thing. Deep down i feel the happiness of returning home but i feel unsettled. Will i be able to retain the person within me that I had come to learn and love about once I set foot to the silently oppressed, no matter how lovely it is....country of mine?

listening to MarJawan literal translation being I can die. song reminds me of my friend. she loves it. i think as much as i love jaane kya. but i think, i love jaane kya more since i listen to it almost everyday for the past 2 years without fail. Especially in winter, it brings back memories. not the best but something vested in me.

Apparently in facebook i am supposed to be married in 2011. 2 years from now on the 7 of march. Lame man. but i wonder if by then it will be legal for me to marry in Singapore?

True love never has a happy ending

been holing up throughout the week

2009-05-19T06:44:00.001-07:00

and not doing anything productive recently. I miss the sense of urgency during this period of time, you know "exam period" time.

so ive been eating junk food. Now i look like im 9 months pregnant. huhu

nothing much to blog anyway. because i havent been thinking much. hence the lack of topics to write about.

i was wondering of Singapore position of the equality of rights in marriage. Don't think there is any equality in that system.

Life is definitely much more mellower this year.

i was reading through

2009-05-18T06:50:00.000-07:00

some notes on facebook posted by the international student department regarding the recent racialy motivated attacks on the international students by "teenage gangs" that operate around the region of jesmond and now have moved on to the campus. student being held at knifepoint and robbed by this gangs in an area so close to the library has made me feel unsettled. I use to walk home at 2 or 3 AM after a study session through these areas where the students are being attacked. All the fond memories i had regarding my university is being slowly tarnished by this ridiculous act of self depreciation of ones own society. Damn it. I love my university and its surroundings. It is sad when these incidents occur and tarnish the image of the place.

i really hope the police catches this gangs. because honestly, if they dont, it will only mean that the police are in on the attacks. (this is my own personal opinion. no pun intended)

Megan fox came out as a bi who doesnt sleep with other bi. So I do have a chance. but then again, she aint my type. Oh well.

On that note i better go off now and think of Sheetal Sheth.

i just came back from rural australia

2009-05-17T02:09:00.000-07:00

from this place named armidale. it is actually part of new england australia. they call it new england because of the leaves that turn red during autumn as it slowly heads into winter. I went there to stay with a friend of mine, as she has her placements there. The trip was already planned for a significant amount of time, but to unforseen circumstances was actually cancelled. However, as I have come to learn greatly this past few days, God has apparently other plans for us. LOL.

So there I was on wednesday, getting a call from Rekha, telling me if I wanted to come, then I should just come over. Without hesitant, I placed the stalled plans in motion. Booked my tickets from countrylink and paid it through by debit mastercard. And the next day, I was already there. Since its "winter" the sun sets really early and when I reached there at 6.15pm (the train got there early...so Rekha was late), darkness had taken over the place. I tried to look around the station platform and snapped some photos off the platform since nothing else could be seen. It was freezing. I was suddenly missing Newcastle's cold weather, since Armidale seem way colder. Rekha came with her group mate Pin, a chinese malaysian girl and we went back to her place. The night was calm and windy and it made my bone chill. I was honestly tired from the long train ride in which I couldnt sleep nor could I really move even though the seats were comfortable. This was due to some passengers and their crying babies. Urgh!

anyway, lets just move on to the next day. I woke up at 8am and had a long hot shower (which is apparently not long enough..as compared to miss balan). We headed to the main street over at Armidale, and went through the various antique, toy shops and other possible clothes store there was on that street. After about 2 hours of walking, we ended up in a Thai restaurant, or it is called, a Takeaway. Rekha had chicken basil with rice while i had egg and rice. After that we went on to Centro, towards Woolies. At this moment of time, we had both started talking about almost everything. From love to life to friends, new and old and everything in between. We analysed and commented on each other thoughts and feelings. While cooking dinner, I felt a sense of familiarity as it brought back memories to the point of time when we were staying together in Kimian Avenue back in Newcastle. Those memories felt as strong as they were, as the time we were experiencing them. However, we realised things have significantly change and there were nothing else that we can do but to embrace it and accept it. Our ups and downs in life have made us who we are and friendship either were lost or strengthen in that transition.

Anyway, the following day, I went out by myself to explore Armidale further. I was given the opportunity to take a bicycle to explore Armidale. Initially, it was a great idea, but then the seat was too high and i found myself not sitting down throughout the cycling adventure as i past by churches from the early 19th century, stretches of road filled with autumn trees, beautiful serene parks which could have possibly played a role in an old western film and the sheer freshness of the air was breathtaking. After placing the bike back into the shed, I continued walking down the familiar path towards the Armidale arcade to grab something important (oh well its a thank u card) and then down again to the thai restaurant to grab lunch. After two hours of non stop exploring, I came back to rusden place only to find that Rekha had just finished showering. I had thought that all this time that she had spend some time doing her work, which she had wanted to do (should have dissapeared for 3 hours instead). LOL. Anyway, we had lunch and continued talking regarding the topics that we normally discuss, just between the both of us, before we were interrupted by one of the people staying at Rusden. Oh well, after some time we went on to dinner accompanied by the guy that had earlier interrupted our "deep" conversation, at an italian pizzeria, where I ordered a large seafood pizza, which I completely finished. I was astounded by that success of completing 12 slices of pizza. There was this hot chilli paste that was made in Australia which I could honestly say rank as highly as other chilli dishes that I had tasted. After dinner, Rekha wanted dessert, and so we headed to McCafe and i bought walnut carrot cake and hot chocolate to keep warm while she had mango cheesecake. The three of us slowly walked back to the lodging house after passing some nice parks and churches and enjoying each other company. The day ended with both of us dozing to sleep since I had an early train to catch.

Oh well just a bit of my trip to Armidale. Let me show you now some pictures of the place

my back still hurts but i feel restless

2009-05-03T21:42:00.000-07:00

therefore i shall go to the gym. Might end up getting much more injured than i already am. but i am so restless. The reasons being,

1) i am missing my good friend

2)My room is in a freaking mess due to the impending move back to the lion city

3) its a bit cold today

4) friends have been saying goodbye to me for the past few days

5) its such a lovely day to be stuck at home

oh well anyway. life goes on. i think ill just do some light exercise with light weights to keep me healthy. and definitely not junking.

Im in pain!

the sun rose over the hilly areas of newcastle as durrah waited in the windy cold of the autumn morning towards a new day. Her mind seems distanced as she contemplated the events that had led to this very moment. Her gaze that seemed fixated towards the rising sun began to stir as she looked towards the surroundings. Lush green grass lay across the vast plains on her west and beautiful serene beaches filled with soft grain of sands that seem to dance to the tunes of the ocean breeze. it was time to say her final goodbyes.

the taste of life

2009-05-02T02:58:00.000-07:00

its been a while since i sat down and write. it has been a turbulent week in my life. But thinking back of all the past few weeks, i must say that it does not surprise me.

Well, just so you all know, i am returning back to Singapore, well to work and stay in. I think the current situation that i am in right now is not favourable for my future here in Australia. i will miss newcastle for sure. the wide open spaces, the people, the clean air and the peaceful serenity that seems to illuminate this whole place.

150 posts from the reincarnated durrah

2009-04-26T05:09:00.000-07:00

or am i really the same person with a whole bunch of different stories to tell?

Ive been hitting the gym so much lately that i feel like incredible hulk..without the green, only dissipating my anger through rigorous activity. however the downside is, i am constantly feeling sore and a bit high as endorphins run high to eliminate the pain that i inflict on myself. So I am not a cutter, but i am a serial gym whore.

i had a chat with a matured friend of mine. matured as in age wise. She is going to get married soon, possibly at the end of the year. She was telling me that a friend of hers might carry the green eyed monster against her as this friend of hers is older and still single. My friend came to this conclusion when she realised that this friend of hers is avoiding her over the chatline. Then she asked me about my aunt, who was older than her and still unmarried on whether or not anyone had ever asked her why she is not married yet, or maybe stating whether my aunt is too fussy and that is why she is still unmarried. Oh My God!! I had thought that we lived in a modernised society where this sort of thinking has been eliminated. How can a university graduate say such things about people just because their lifes are "going as planned". What the hell is wrong with them. this is how the conversation went on.

My mature friend (Mmf), me and another friend of mine C

MMF: did anyone ever asked your aunt why she is still unmarried. or why she doesnt want to marry? is it because she is too fussy?

me: hmm i dont think so. Anyway if i know my aunt too well, is not that she doesnt want to marry, but the thing is, she doesnt see the need now. If anyone said that to her i think she will just say back- I am happy, i have everything i want. and dont butt in into other people's life (my aunt is one formidable woman. all the woman in my family are. )

MMF: but why doesn't she want to marry

me: its not that she doesnt want to marry, she does, but as you see, she is happy now, if she finds someone she wants to marry than she will marry. i think marriage is just a culture/religion thing that is ingrained into our heads. Anyway, in this current society, marriage does not last.

C: I think marriage is a social label that is being imposed upon us.

me: oh my god C, i was just about to say that (my brain was admiring the intellect of this friend of mine). look not that i reject marriage, i do repulse it to a certain extent (there are basically a whole other secret reason as to why i hate the concept of matrimony...but i think you might know if you have been reading my past post) but hey, if your friend is a true friend to you, she wil get over it. if not, it is too bad for her i guess. and i advice that if you value this friendship, yo should try making the first move.......

ahaha..so the debate of marriage came up..during a SleepOver. i thought sleepovers were supposed to make you not think. but i guess i love this type of questions and debate.

oh well. whatever. night

i cant seem to wrap my head around still not getting any job answers

2009-04-23T04:50:00.000-07:00

how can this job hunting still be going on for me? i really dont know. it really sucks. why do people take up lotsa credit when they cant repay them back? argh! frustrating.

but then AGAIN i am an accredited chemical engineer with Engineers Australia. Official Chemical Engineer. Deal with it you moron.

going to be a bit depressed this week.mum already left home..in fact she is already home...then tomorrow my confidante here is heading to armidale for 5 weeks than straight back to malaysia for her hols. leaving me here all alone and a bit vulnerable.

sadness is overwhelming.

taking out my depression by heading to the gym big time. pain inside, pain outside

im your voodoo child

please help me GOD

ok so my graduation was yesterday

2009-04-17T04:21:00.000-07:00

i felt quite emotional but never let it show. i was overwhelmed with excitement and happiness that i felt like i could choke a couple of times throughout the ceremony. met a couple of my friends and it felt like a momentous occassion as we each lined up to get out academic testamur and transcript i had my testamur framed by the way...its flying back to Singapore with my mum next week)

Overall, three words kept ringing in my head "I'm proud of you girl" ok so maybe four words. pleasant sincere words coming out my mum. Ah the delight. The happiness that surrounded me yesterday could not be summarized in words. its an indescribable feeling.

next stop--joining the workforce :)

then settling my life down :(

i am feeling a little upbeat

2009-04-11T19:39:00.000-07:00

today because in less than 24 hours, my mum is going to be here!! in semi cold autumn Australia!Weee. I so miss her face and smile. the comfort of having your parents around is something that I always cherish with me.

hmm what to do?? what to do??

I am so freaking psyched about tomorrow!!! But first i got to clean my room, clean my computer history (hehehe..not that i am hiding anything..but you never know) bring logan poop tray out.

But first let me jump up and down first to the songs.

ok better go off now

happy holidays my dearest friends

2009-04-09T08:07:00.000-07:00

its already the friday of good friday. went to woolies for a bit to get some quick bite and realised people doing their last minute chocolate shopping spree. was tempted to get one but realised that keeping my temptation down not only do i keep my money in my pocket but also the fact that i am controlling my weight.

Went to shoal bay today for worked and were completely harrassed by this two kids. keep asking me where Tong is. I was blur for a moment thinking what the hell and where are your stupid clothes kids and then it hit me. they thought i was chinese. they tried to scare me by acting as robbers, but i grinned back at them. thinking that if they were to see me in my hijab they would not have even tried to make fun of me. Maybe revere me instead. Shoal bay was amazing, memories come flooding back to me, the drive up there with 4 very sleepy girls in the car, cik ika being one of them, dozing off while her poor friend was trying to drive for an hour straight after a lack of sleep the night before. At least this time, i get to spend time hunting the streets and the beach, soaking in the sun, wind and everything in between. Even managed to squeeze in an ice chocolate and a book reading session "Love in time of cholera". I wish people fell in love like that and stayed in love for the next 5 decades of their lifes. Taste of unrequited love.

Went on to chat with an extremely good friend of mine today. It started out normally but somehow it always ended in a philosophical manner. in such that we discover new things about one another and have things to figure out, but in the end, our theme is the same, ACCEPTANCE.

it is such a big word and i am not even sure what i am going to do about it. So HELP ME GOD! Amin

Sometimes i feel like i want to shut down but i know i cant

2009-04-08T04:19:00.000-07:00

it hurts alot at times dealing with this. Trying to imagine how my life is going to radically change if and when i decide its time.

imagine the pain...let me try to describe. Hmmm...try imagine running up an extremely steep hill which is about 50 metres long, your legs are going really fast, your heart pumping blood througout your body like it was going to explode and just die out at any moment. You run not thinking then suddenly you feel like your lungs is starting to collapse. the intense feeling like suddenly your heart which had been thunderously pumping decided to freeze, your lungs contract, you can feel your stomach churn. Your chest hurts and you feel like you are trapped. you can't breath and you can feeel this huge pain on your body like someone just kick you in the gut.

That is how i am feeling right at the moment, maybe even more. and i dont have an outlet to channel my anger too. at least not at the moment.

I must clear my mind. I must relax my body. this is the only way

so logan i in a cuddly biting mood now

2009-04-07T05:49:00.000-07:00

as he is sitting on my lap, looking at my fingers going click click on the keyboard as he readjust his ever growing ass into a much more comfortable position for him. A meow or two will escape his cute little mouth when he seeks attention. He is really tired from his daily adventures up in the driveway back to the backyards of the neighbouring units.

Weatherwise-- It has been cold the last couple of days and i have been staying home, only going out occassionally to visit my friends who are ever so delighted to have me. or so i hope lah.

tomorrow i am going to work. been putting it off fr quite a bit. i am having trouble right now keying in my sentences as Logan has decided to embrace my right hand with his cute little furry white paws. This are the moments I cherish with him at times. Well except for the part that he wants to go into a scratchy mood.

As she was sobbing uncontrollably thinking of her current situation, being out of work, out of money and out of love, a gentle touch landed on her shoulder. She looked up, and was surprised at the person she saw. She looked flawless, clear complexion, glittering eyes that looked almost golden, her nose sharp and angular. She looked into the person that was running her palms up and down her back, pacifying her self pitying ways.

"Don't worry love, i have come to help you," The angel said

i feel relief and scared

2009-04-07T00:41:00.000-07:00

as i have a chat with a really good friend, my mind couldnt help wondering at how easy it was to say it out. However, it is just one of a friend and she had long suspected it. but she kept quiet. What the Hell ar!! hahaha. At least I know now there are people out there who support me.

But i don't care about other people who think but i only care for just one person.....just one figure. I am terrified of the reaction of this one person. The rest i can handle, but a fight with this one person is potentially life threathening.

I seek Asylum.

Life shouldnt be this hard, complicated and confusing.

Anyway....i was thinking, if a normal human being can accept me as who I am, I am particularly sure God will accept me too. If not why would he let me be this way after all.

I can't wait for next week. Graduation week!! woohoo!!

Reading is for the mind and the soul

2009-04-06T06:28:00.000-07:00

but it also helps you in filling your boredom. i am currently reading an intriguing book by nora roberts. A book titled Key of light. it is one of her bestseller. i am thinking of going to borders again this friday or wednesday to get a book ive been dying to read, "love in time of cholera" its a literature classic but i have never gotten around to reading it. one good thing i think i love being unemployed or partly employed is the opportunity to read. Catch up with myself. giving me space to think about everything that i had been neglecting during my pursuit of academic excellence and a very fascinating social life.

I was thinking about the story Sodom and Gamorrah. The ones with Nabi Lut a.s if i am not wrong was involved. You know the story where man preferred man and not woman to have a sexual relationship with. But then again the story is about lust and rape. Not love. I was reading the Quran interpretation about this story and could not come to a conclusive ending about what they perceived about it. Honestly, some parts of me struggle have been struggling big time about it. THere was never an outlet to express the desires and the conflicts that had been possessing me for years. However now, I want to be able to live. Honestly. Because living a lie is a sin too. So can you see my conflict?

I know i might lose friends if they read this post or even maybe want to stone me to death like the supposed punishment for homosexual conduct, but I have prayed to God to let me feel normal, I read the Quran to control my emotions and elevate my desires but it has been futile. indeed supression had been my means for a long time. Suppression. Depression.

God, I know you hear me. Please tell me the way from here. I honestly cannot live a lie. Not anymore. I want to be close to you.

If i die....if i die...maybe this will end.

so the artist i am hooked to right now

2009-04-03T23:24:00.000-07:00

there are a couple of songs that are on the loop in my playlistthese days. i just bought off some new music from the itunes store online.

Songs from Nadine khouri, leonie casanova and natacha atlas have been playing non stop on my itunes.

Check them out:

Leonie casanova

Nadine Khouri

Both of them are immensely talented. Both of them are gorgeous by the way no doubt.

Remember who you are

Remember your dreams

Remember the passion

Remember, just remember me

keep in mind that soon ill be flat broke

2009-04-03T00:01:00.000-07:00

not that i am not already flat broke. however as my mum always say, look at this as a learning and survival curve. I have never been without money and comfort throughout my life. maybe this time around i will finally be able experience the real pinch of being penniless.

Thank God my mum is coming next week. I do hope i get paid soon though, the money for taking the bus is really ruining me. Shit.

stayed up till five this morning. i emailled my lecturers, submitted resume to various companies for their graduate program. i hope my application will be accepted by some of them. i really am hoping for the best. Please god!! do help me in my quest. I am a good person. Weird but good.

Wait one question....is religion a means of conditioning? Why do people who say they have faith in them fight endless wars just to prove that their God is the right way, and at the same time instead of killing the ones that are responsible, targets the children and woman? i dont suppose religion taught us to do that.

She sat down in her tiny room, typing away. Her eyes fixated into the screen of the laptop. Her mind had slowly floated into a different dimension as each stroke of her keyboard brought out stories that she wanted to tell.

A light knock on her door pulled her back into reality. She stopped typing and looked at the clock that was running on her laptop. it was almost three in the morning.

"Who could it be?" she muttered as she slowly stood erected and headed towards the door.

A tall white figure dressed in a navy blue uniform stood infront of her as she opened the door.

"Hello mam, are you dara?" the man in the blue uniform asked. Dara nodded her head. A sudden feeling of anxiety rested on her shoulders. She looked up towards the police figure and the car that was parked over her driveway.

" My name is Sergeant Arnold. I am afraid we have some bad news for you, it is about your friend, Andie" Sergeant Arnold continued.

"Andie...She is my partner? What happened to her? I thought she was going for her business trip?" Dara asked her voiced trembled with fear, not liking the tone of voice Sergeant Arnold was using. She sensed something was amissed. What was the bad news? She had distinctly remembered talking to Andie this evening before she left for the airport.

"Mam, we are sorry. We found her body at a construction site near the airport. I am afraid that she was murdered," Sergeant Arnold, sympathy now in his voice. As he finished the sentence, she saw Dara's expression changed.

"NO!!!! Andie!!" Dara wailed into the night, a stream of tears began gushing down her cheeks as she collapses to her floor, her body shook in disbelieve.

as much as i can hold it in i shall

2009-04-02T08:05:00.000-07:00

its not everyday that i don't feel like im losing my mind. most of the time i actually am.

a stray jacket wrapped around her made it impossible for her to breathe. the reigns of the thick nylon were held tightly around her waist burning her skin as it became inevitable to her that she was trapped. "Argh..let me fucking go!" she screamed aloud to the darkened walls that surround her, unable to restraint herself from the pain that she felt within her.

"Just let me go,"she finally resigned as the thought of impending and almost inevitable death crossed through her mind.

She closed her eyes thinking of the ones that she was going to leave behind upon her untimely demise. Her parents, siblings and finally her thoughts swayed to the one that she had so desperately wanted to seek comfort in. She remembered her warm tender caress over her delicate skin and the sweet scent that had filled up her days. Her eyes filled with tears as she knew she will never be able to feel her lover in her arms. Her fate had been sealed.

She was going to die.

"I want you here with me," she muttered to herself before closing her eyes, finally collapsing due to the sheer exhaustion.

Silence filled the room.

This is what i do in my spare time. i think its crap! like serious crap. it helps me distress alot. at least i know i am not fully losing my mind this time round.

I have to work tomorrow but looking at the conditions of the weather nowadays i am not sure whether or not it'll be any good for outside work. Oh well work is work. However, i can't sleep right now. stupid me for drinking tea after dinner. Logan seems to be alive and kicking outside.

silence and more silence

fill up the empty spaces in between the lines

as i try to make sense of things

that is happening between me and you

so ive been walking the straight line for a while

2009-04-01T03:09:00.000-07:00

but honestly i think, i've never been straight. Thinking back to all the secrets i held within myself, i feel amazed at how i've always denied and sealed it so tightly that noone knew of it except of course melah.

People...i am not as courageous as you all think. I am a coward who hides behind a facade. i am not as sincere as you might think. I have deep secrets that if i was to bare will shake the foundation of what you know or like about me. like seriously crumble.

I saw a post by ira talking about soulmate and finding your other half. but what if all this while, i've been looking in the wrong direction for the soulmate? the straight supposedly correct direction?? i've never been able to open up properly towards anyone. i've never really been comfortable around guys/man. but i am so comfortable with gays and females. strictly speaking i have no interest in man. full stop. the only thing keeping me from deviating is my religion. but isnt religion supposed to make us be good human beings and not too lie, cheat or hurt? in trying to keep my faith i have lied, cheated and hurt people. too many uncountable times. For that am i even following my religion. Why was i born in this complicated, excruciatingly tough place world.

"SILENT!" SHE SHOUTS TO HERSELF. HER BODY TREMBLING WITH FEAR AND CONFUSION- HER CALMNESS GONE, FILLED WITH RAGING ANGER OF DENIAL.

Wasn't religion supposed to accept everyone no matter what? ARGH! it is confusing. why am i born with this brain that keeps thinking and asking questions. why can't i just shut up?

Tears of rain fell

searing the emptiness i hold

An aching truth I deny the pleasure of attendance

Slowly baring its soul

Work was alright. I've never walked so much or talked to so many strangers in my entire life. the older people are nice but they aren't able to contribute much due to them being pensioners. the younger ones are unemployed. the employed ones are of course not at home. Let's just say life is hard without it already being complicated.

see you in hell

What is it?

2009-03-29T04:47:00.000-07:00

I've been watching this movie called I can't think straight by a British director/novelist Shamim Sarif. It is about this 2 woman from virtually different background and culture having the courage to come out from their respective closet and to lead their lifes together. Wonderful story.

I am actually quite smittened with the actress that played the demure, soft spoken yet feisty indian muslim woman in the film. Her name is Sheetal Sheth. Her eyes wide with skin so creamy it looked almost cruel to touch it. Argh. Jay sean is going to have a strong competetion with this one to keep my head straight.

going to start work tomorrow. Damn! Wonder how it is going to be like.

humph

2009-03-24T04:16:00.000-07:00

why does it have to be so hard?

i feel sort of alone and alienated at times.

hmm.

got to keep my brain functioning well

got to keep my emotions under wrapped and checked

feeling a little bit flustered and frustrated.

but one the other side i am happy and contented

i found a part time job anyway

i hope i can do well

i need it right now

breathe

2009-03-19T21:47:00.000-07:00

i think i have forgotten how to really breathe without this nagging pain. Its like a hole is being dug out in the centre of my heart making breathing difficult. i dont know when it started. its not physical pain more mentally painfully. the only time when i am not in this disastrous chronic pain is when i am sleeping or when my mind is busily preoccupied with a lot of other different stuffs.

i miss my mum and family. i wish she was here. haiz. she will know what to say. what will i Ever do without her. Sigh. I know its so lame but I cant help myself.

I know its been 3 weeks since I am unemployed. But it seems like eternity.

I don't know when my PR is going to be kickstart.

I wished they will reply to me on whether or not i was rejected. at least there is a something that I can rip apart. Sigh.

I should really learn to take this emotional turmoil and put in a positive influence.

OK OK....i better just relax....dont think so much about what I fee. there is nothing worst than rejection. As much as I didnt bring my hopes up I think circumstances changes things.

This oh so sucks.

peace

2009-03-17T03:11:00.000-07:00

though ive been unable to sleep that much or having restless nights part of me is proud that ive managed to read 2/30 juz from the alquran within around 2 weeks. Surah Albaqarah felt like a mountain to finish after my none diligence in reading it. I thank God that at least during this uncertain time in my life he has helped me be close to him through this. The reading of te Quran if i really put my mind onto it has a powerful soothing effect on me. It has helped me calm down and reasess my life. Of course, i must honestly say within the last 2 years I have possibly neglected reading the Alquran. just letting it collect dust on my table although on occasions i try to read the yassin.

anyway, today i helped zee moved to her new/old place. new as in she got another girls room an old as in she moved back to her old house. the room is a little bit too small for the amount of stuff she has but for me it seemed cosy and with a sunroof to light up her room in the morning, it felt nice. But then I hate the fact that the room has no window like the room/garage i have now. it makes the room dull and dark all the time. i hope she will settle in well.

tomorrow i have to go to uni. the reason being to undergo a research study under a psychology phd candidate. i wonder what experiment they will subject me too this time. ive been to a spatial ability test, repetitive test and some other test in the past 2 years that i was in uni. i think this test will be about my brain and whether or not schizoprenia will run within me.

hehehe.

ive just finished the 1st book from the twilight series by stephenie meyer. it was a really nice read. i took about 1 day to finish it. now i am going into the second book, new moon. i believe i will be able to complete it soon. maybe not today due to my tiredness in helping zee move and unpack(she does have half of her stuff still in storage) but i know when i get into something i am driven to finish it.

oh yeah. i have given up waiting for my answer to the interview. maybe its not my rezeki/luck. i shall keep my head up and try to work out something soon..insyaAllah.

pening kepala

2009-03-15T06:59:00.000-07:00

i am having a mild headache right now. i feel an elevated rise in my BP and my lack of sleep or the restlessness that i feel when i fall asleep is a massive contributing factor to this mild headache of mine. Thinking back what i was doing last year around this time, I was probably enjoying my life, going for parties and organizing meets with friends.

now what happen? nothing. i really need my independence lah. I don't want to depend on anyone. I felt hurt but yet grateful that a friend said that she will wait for me to get a job to pay her back some cash i owe her. i felt so belittled but i understood her concerns. but ive already paid her back.

maybe ini dugaan dari yang maha Esa. sabar jelah. take it into stride

its already 1am...i am still freaking awake.

uneasiness

2009-03-12T06:44:00.000-07:00

i feel an uneasiness within me. its pretty sudden. i dont know why. maybe i was in denial on how well the interview went. maybe it didnt go as well as i thought it went. or maybe it didnt go at all. maybe i had just dreamed this whole thing. maybe i am being paranoid for nothing. but then why is my hair suddenly standing like its freaking out or something?

ira. are you feeling alright?? seriously please go check out your heart pain tat you are aving. it could be nothing but please take a day off and check it out yeah. mate! i want you to be fitand alive for our trip across europe in 3 years.

my heart feels like itss churning butter right now. oh man. i have to braise for impact. Ya Allah please help me ease uneasiness. Amin.

24hrs

2009-03-10T19:05:00.000-07:00

well i will know how i am going to fair in less than 24 hours. i am honestly quite scared but being scared is good. it shows that you are human. i just got to be myself. everyone tells me that. especially my dear mum. i really hope i make her proud. hehee. i know. such a corny thing to say.

oh well. practice makes perfect and prayer brings in hope. i hope i wont be too nervous tomorrow.

2009-03-09T06:56:00.001-07:00

when i see (you see) i run out of words
i want to get with you
you're so beautiful
so damn beautiful

yeah. like that will ever happen.

i am so stuffed man. this morning i woke up at 8 and decided to stay in bed till like 9.30am till zee texted me saying she picked me up regarding house hunting. ok. so we went to birmingham garden to this so called granny unit sort of thing but she was late for 5 mins and the place was scooped up. then we decided to go to different agencies to check the various places to be rented out and i was browsing through the listing and saw this fantastic studio apartment with built in kitchen and toilet in a victorian style house with blue paint outside(i think it was victorian lah). and it was near the beach mind you!!! hehehe. i exclaimed to zee who was driving by the waay that i wanted that place. oh man. for the moment it still is a dream lah. after looking like 4 houses she decided on the house that she had seen the day before and is now going to stay at the street where i had stayed before. hahaha. maybe she can join the facebook group 'i stayed in kimian avenue when i was studing in the university of newcastle" oh well. then i went to check out some town houses for this bruneian family that zee was staying with at the moment. Oh man. it felt like i was in wisteria lane i tell ya. the houses were modern contemporary with stainless steel finishing and although unfurnished was definitely a steal for anyone who gets to stay there. the type of houses on show there are like houses for newlyweds and small families. another i wished i had this house dream was born. haiz.

keep dreaming durrah. noone can take a dream from you.

the week

2009-03-08T03:43:00.000-07:00

the week had been passing by quite fast. i am sort of frightened thinking about what could happen next week. it has by far been quite a fun week. all my friends have returned so i have company. it has been fun to have people to talk too. i think even logan is sick of me talking to him.

hey ira. i am hugging you right now. take care ok. i can imagine the busy-ness and the difficulty you are going through. i've been there. just remember to pray alot and take time out to chill once in a while. insyaallah you are in my prayers. oh and yeah. ask a lot of questions to your lecturer and friends around you if you are unsure of your work. take care mate. i am joining the earth hour at the end of this month. i've been unplugging alot of unnecessary items in the house when they are not in use. hehee

the days are passing by and i am still the same. i have to be confident and determined to attain what i set out to do. may Allah swt bless my journey amin. i need a fair fight. insyaAllah.

time to sleep. ive been really tired recently. catch ya later.

an interesting week

2009-03-04T20:12:00.000-08:00

its been an interesting week for me. i received my Ielts academic result and my engineers australia accreditation. wee. i did well for my IeLts test i guess even though it was extremely difficult. 7.5/9..not too shabby either.

anyway the next day i received a call from someone i really wished to hear from. whee..just got to wait for another week before that day arrives

today i received my graduation invitation letter. now i can formally introduce myself as Siti Nur Durrah BEng (Chem) so cool to have something at the back of your name. I know its kind of stupid but its been a long time coming.

alhamdulillah

2009-03-03T03:49:00.000-08:00

jay sean new video named tonight....

so hot!!!!

another week another month

2009-03-01T05:24:00.000-08:00

my patience is running abit low. i am honestly tired with waiting. i know. ive said this for so many times before. and i am saying it again now.

had ika's birthday party today. it was small and simple and we had chocolate bavarian for her birthday cake with a sparkling candle for her to blow. asila, kavi and myself bought for her a pendant from prouds. it was a nice heart shape pendant with a flower in the middle.

sometimes i dont understand people. i dont understand why people dont like each other. maybe i should start not liking people for the sake of it. i have one person in my mind right now. but due to the closeness of the group it will get complicated. so petty at times. hahaha

was reading something about long distance relationship. i dont think i am cut out for relationships.
hmm i want to change the lights in the house to energy savings ones. that will be good.

later

shopping

2009-02-28T05:17:00.000-08:00

the three of us went to jesmond today for shopping. in the end we all ended in kmart and ended spending 200++ on the stuffs. bought new pots and pans, sheets, laundry wash etc. its a lot of money honestly. i hope i wont be too broke by the end of all this.

last day

2009-02-27T03:22:00.001-08:00

really just tired mentally. ive been driving myself crazy with thinking alot. its driving me a bit nuts.
i want to sleep but i can't sleep. thoughts in my mind keep playing over and over. its driving me insane. i want to sleep.

my housemates are back. after being in solitude for so long, it feels weird to have them around again. first time in months i didnt need to think of what to buy.

2009-02-26T16:47:00.000-08:00

check this out...my new attempt of blogging about saving the earth. help me make it work. tell everyone. leave a comment on what i can do better

adsense

2009-02-26T02:54:00.000-08:00

i signed up for adsense from google. went through this website and found out about it. hey ira..what is adsense? is it a legitimate program?

change of name

2009-02-24T00:59:00.000-08:00

hey ira name change now how about putzkd tech?? stupid kd pups

passing time

2009-02-23T05:36:00.000-08:00

hear and see this article about recycling : http://www.greenpeace.org/international/photosvideos/greenpeace-photo-essays/following-the-e-waste-trail
we can do so much better

was reading articles on global warming. the effects are scary as i see the amount of disasters that happen increased to a high of 425 in 2000, declined a bit a year after and is now steadily increasing. I was also reading an article on the increase in severity of these disasters with recent ones being katrina, earthquake in acheh that caused the massive tsunami, extreme cold icy storms in massachusets just this december and recently the extreme temperature reaching over 40 degrees here in victoria australia which led to massive fire's killing 208 or so people.

I am still thinking of a suitable venture besides educating the young minds of the future. Amazingly ira, I have gotten responses from people I thought never existed. One is a master's holder who wrote a thesis regarding carbon capture and storage technology and the other gave me her support. Does this mean that we are really going to go ahead with this plan?? I really hope so. I've never been more sure about doing something like this than any other thing. But far too many challenges lie ahead. I hope we can cope. hehehe. anyway ive posted up this picture on facebook. It's just a slide on what the business plan could be. and i cant wait to see the logo digitalized.

pups kd--a reality

2009-02-21T05:54:00.000-08:00

thanks to ira, i now have a valuable business idea. I am still unsure of the viability of this product/ service that we had in mine but it has now given me a purpose on going through my days. i can spend hours reading about how to come up with a business plan and do research on marketability of this product. and learning how to pitch it is another plan entirely.

Will Pups KD become a reality or just another dream?? only time can tell.

can't sleep

2009-02-19T05:36:00.000-08:00

i dont know what is wrong with me. i can't seem to sleep now. not until its 6am. i really have no idea why. when i close my eyes, my brain seems to charge into hyperdrive. i keep thinking about what i need to do, what i could have done differently. i sometimes dream of hving my mum talking to me like i was kid again and comforting me when i get upset like i used too.

i might go out to the beach later on in the day. i just want to relax my mind just alittle while more. even though Im not doing anything, i still feel like i can't take things as easily asI want too. I do need a psychologist.

just wasting time

2009-02-17T19:18:00.000-08:00

I came in late to work today. Not that it mattered to anyone else. My supervisor is not even here so I preety much can do whatever I want. Hehe. I think Im feeling a bit un-motivated if there is such a word. But I have to come. I need as much cash as I can to survive this next few months. Thats my motivation for now. Luckily too the singaporean government is giving out $300 in march to cope with the recession and stimulate the economy. I think the only economy that is going to be stimulated in my life right now is the rent. Haha.

I cleaned up my cupboard desk today. took out the useless junks and recycled it because its just paper. Its sort of weird that I only have 1 more week left at this place. Ive sort of gotten used to the office and my slow internet server. I love what I do because its preety relaxing although it gets a bit frustrating and monotonous when you can't get the information you need or if the information keeps repeating itself respectively.

I am going to miss this place. I hope I will be able to get something more permanent soon. As liyan had said, she is too hanging in the air.

I must constantly remind myself to have faith. I need it now

hunting

2009-02-17T02:15:00.000-08:00

i am still hunting. i wonder if there will be any news soon.

sleep

2009-02-16T15:53:00.000-08:00

i couldn't sleep yesterday. I kept dreaming I failed over and over again. I kept dreaming of climbing a roller coster too. fudge!

i think

2009-02-16T01:45:00.000-08:00

i think i blew it. the questions were hard. extremely hard. i should have taken time to prepare more for it. i bleeeeeeeewww it..............argh!!!!!!!!!!

v day

2009-02-13T04:13:00.000-08:00

in 47 minutes its going to be Vday. I honestly have never celebrated it in my life. keep forgetting the day as if it never happened. somehow on this day i seem to have something to do like work, watching movies and eat. normally spend time just doing my favorite activities. ouh and i try to avoid the malls though because it was normally packed with people.

oh well what the hell.

There seems to be alack of job opportunities now on seek and mycareer. i had one of my applications cancelled due to the unforseen circumstances. haiz..and i really liked that job description. maybe the big man up there or whereever he is has other plans for me.

just go with the flow.

ok now pastamania is halal. what the hell. even without the halal cert there were still alot of so called muslims eating there. yeah what the hell. i cant complain since i am here anyway.

laterz

transcript

2009-02-12T17:12:00.000-08:00

i can finally get my full transcript. yes

tensed

2009-02-09T17:18:00.001-08:00

Im feeling quite tensed up. its the IELTS speaking test day. I am not sure if I had prepared myself well enough. Been talking to myself quite alot lately for preparation. I am a bit scared of what is going to happen. i have to report to the english centre in 20 minutes. ok. why am i still blogging. I have to minimize my ummm and ahh and have to be ready for everything. wish me the best.

just melting

2009-02-08T03:48:00.000-08:00

it felt like one of those weekends that you wished that you were in an ice bathtub. just sitting there. the temperature in newcastle got above 40 degrees. and i thought 38 degrees a week or so back was bad. guess i was wrong. maybe those scientist were right. its global warming and its peaking rapidly. things are going to get extremely worst. mankind existence is at stake and more coal power station are being made by the minute in the name of capitalism and power (ok...deviated abit from topic) . victoria looks like a war zone

anyway off the depressing topic. watched sister act for the gazillionth time yesterday and now i am hooked to aretha franklin song --rescue me. i think i need to be rescued.

rent

2009-02-05T15:15:00.000-08:00

I just paid my rent. It seems all the time what Ive been doing is pay my rent, pay this and that. I am so going broke.

Must ask for help soon.

just looking

2009-02-04T03:24:00.000-08:00

My second blog in a day. Well not exactly second since the first one was more like an English practice. Anyway what happened today was I went to Uni to upload my documents for my PR thing and liyan called me all the way from singapore asking me about PR documents. ahaha.

then I went to the beach as usual for my jog and swim. I dont know why I do that, when the gym is perfectly close to my house. Maybe I no longer want to pay the $70 monthly membership, and maybe I just like the whole idea of running by the beach, smelling the Ocean and feeling the sea breeze, people with their pets running along (the pets are sooo adorable...Kavi would go crazy). Anyway today I went a bit late so that I can avoid all the people that head to the beach in the arvo. Oh well, I was at the pier and a huge vessel was coming into the newcastle port. it went really slow accompanied by tugboats (i think that is what theyre called). Anyway since the boat was heading the same direction as I was, i decide to challenge it. as it moved along into the port, I ran continuously beside it thinking I could at least be in the same speed as the vessel was...but boy was I wrong. The boat (though probably moving really slowly for its size) was too fast for me. I did however managed however for a few minutes felt like i was a big vessel. challenging it like noone's business.

anyway, as of this morning I am hooked to Slumdog Millionaire tracks, my favourite being latika's theme. I was humming it when I was swimming at the beach. I then floated around the ocean baths and once for the day didnt worry about anything. It felt great. had wanted to swim for an hour but I was just too tired. Only did a 30 min workout with a couple of laps at the ocea baths. Oh well everything is good anyway. I just hope for some good news soon. Been rejected quite a bit this past few weeks.

practising for my IELTS

2009-02-03T19:33:00.000-08:00

Question:
some people believe that visitors to other countries should follow local customs and behavior. Others disagree and think that the host country should welcome cultural differences.

Discuss both views and give your opinions.

Answer:

The fascination of people and travel have long been established, with Columbus trying to sail to the East to get to India but instead founded the United states of America. Nowadays, as travel by air gets cheaper, the accessibility of people to various countries have increased. This has allowed, at times, integration of different cultures or a clash of social behavior.

Some countries welcome visitors as it provides economic sense as these visitors bring along with them money to spend and a different perspective of cultures. However, visitors should keep in mind that not all the countries are as open to their culture as some other countries. You cannot be topless at a beach in certain countries as nudity is considered a blasphemy and immoral. As a visitor, you should learn to respect other's people culture and their values as that was what attracted them to the place in the first place.

For the locals, they should realize that the world is becoming more connected in more ways than they can imagine. With high speed internet connections, global positioning system and cheap travel it has become almost impossible for them to keep their minds closed towards other culture existence. Countries like indonesia, thailand and singapore have long open their doors to visitors to the their countries. They are able to accept these visitors as they know that they provide economic boost and thus create jobs that the locals much needed. Even then, they are able to retain their own cultures for example in bali indonesia, these visitors are awed by the traditional dance of the balinese people and they bring back their experiences to their home country. For these host countries, they are able to learn from the visitors as they bring in new technology, new business opportunities for the nation.

Overall, in my opinion, a host country should be able to welcome visitors to their land keeping in mind that they are able to educate its visitors of the traditions and cultures its country offers. For visitors, they can bring their cultures along with them to the countries but they must have a sense of responsibility and sensitivity towards the local customs. They must think that if they do not wish to be offended in their countries with a clash of cultures, they should not too offend the people of the countries they visit.

just was

2009-02-02T16:04:00.000-08:00

I was just thinking of this. Why do we need to get a job? Why do we need so much money? I looked in our past generation of people and they never worked this hard! why do we??

Ok. My last day over at BHP Billiton will be on the 27th of feb. End of the motnh. Maybe I can get an interview by then. I really hope so lah. Im trying to catch any opening there is. its going to be hard packing my stuff here. Will probably throw most of it away.

Im really tired. I have not worked out alot recently but have been junking out alot. Its bad I tell you. Feel depressed alot of times. i worry about how to support myself here, how not to go crazy and most of all money. It keeps me sleepless at nights.

Oh well kalau rezeki ada..adalah tu

ehz

2009-01-30T04:17:00.000-08:00

I have this theory for my life. I will experience a total breakdown before a good news come. Like today for example, in the morning when I went to work I found out that I was getting laid off. In probably 2 weeks I will not have a job. Felt like crap, no mood to work you know, productivity was low.

Went home and still felt like crap but I suck it up and tried not to thnk about it too much but worked on other stuffs.

A few hours later an email came in saying that my appeal has been approved and now I am allowed to graduate. WahLiao. I don't know what to say. Ah!! the feeling that has been bothering me for weeks has finally been lifted up. phew. alhamdulillah. syukur Alhamdulillah.

Now I can proceed with other stuffs. I do however need to quickly do up my PR and bridging visa. That is on my mind. Finding work can come together with that.

Other bad things happen then good things happen example:

1: had a huge fight with a friend, felt like crap--The morning after received an email saying that I got the part time job
2: have a huge misunderstanding with friends, again felt like crap--the morning after received a phone call for a job interview

I can only name 2 right now. I just cant remember what else. there miht have been more,but maybe I haven't really noticed.

Ok enough talk. TIme to concentrate

retrenched

2009-01-29T15:53:00.000-08:00

so this is how it feels like to be retrenched. You feel depressed, anger and bitter about things after that. Even if you are mentally prepared, you still feel like there is something jabbing into your heart.

I'm losing my job in BHP B. But I hope the marketing department in Singapore will want me to take over the server of the website that I have been so dilligently updating.

I have to get a new part time job quick. Im running out of time. soon I will be cash stuck

weird

2009-01-29T04:22:00.000-08:00

the view from the top

Newcastle city from the top

you know what is weird. Someone saying they miss you. it seems like Sweet nothings to me. I did want to break it off. but then again lets have some fun.

But I feel bad. he really seems to want me to do well in life. Sincere or not...I don't know. Honestly I've been sincere to him...but nothing more. No feelings whatsoever. Jahat gak aku nie eh.

I have work tomorrow. I need to go sleep now. But Queer as folk is showing soon. I missed last week. I am determined not to miss it this week. Even though i have to wake up early.

Went to nobby's pier to have a run. Sweltering heat as usual. wanted to cool down in the ocean baths but noooo....there wasn't any water. I guess they were cleaning out the pool water and replacing it with new ocean water. Ah..I miss the invigorating feeling after a swim after a jog.

I better be off now.

urgh

2009-01-28T03:03:00.000-08:00

Logan is scandalling with my other cat...el tigress

missing my family big time

my mum--the iron lady (as in strong)

My cousin the cikgu di depan bulan yang mengambang. Oh senangnya hidup camni

I don't know when my appeal is going to go through!! when the hell is it going to pull through. When?? I am tired of waiting. I need it so that i can get my job nominations checked. Dammit. I feel so frustrated at times. With people asking if i got a job yet, with me everyday sending out resume's and everything is depending on the fucking appeal. Argh...My visa is expiring in about 50days!! fark!

im feeling rather uneasy in my stomach. Im really stressed out about this whole thing. Like seriously stressed out. I imagine myself drowning myself underneath a tonne of water. I want to clear my mind but I just can't. I ran for miles trying to at least stop thinking for abit and soak in the sun of Newcastle but I can't.

I feel miserable. Really miserable. and he is not making it much easier. time to break it off

psst

2009-01-27T05:27:00.000-08:00

Cranium was fun. Pete, abby, matt, daniel came over today. wondering who abby, matt and daniel are? well ..matt's pete brother, abby is matt's girl and daniel is the bassist. Shaved head, tattooed and ear piercing peru-vian guy..Winks. He is in the band with pete. hehe.

Oh By the way..........

I don't know how this happened. But I have a booyyyfriieennd now. It is freaking unexpected. I am freaking out. Erm...downside. I have never met him before...and will probably never meet him. But....i have talked to him for quite some time..Ok Ive known him for a few months..but we didnt talk since november due to my busyness...Oh well...he is in Morocco for goodness sake mate.

Ok...maybe its just an online fling..he seems quite a nice dude too. Quite good looking face too..Ok but I don't love him yet. respect yes. aiseh bedah....lain pulak cerita nie sekarang.

see I am already talking myself out of this. tembak lah aku sekarang.

1 2 3 4

2009-01-26T18:01:00.000-08:00

I like that song.

I just sent out 2 applications. One here and the other back home In Singapore. For SPF.

I don't know what is going to happen.

Its so lame!

Im getting lamer by the minute